A constant, unseen battle is happening all the time in people. Or at least it is in me.
I'm sure that I think about it more often than others do; I feel as if I'm always on the edge of losing something precious. I'm holding onto everyone close to me and trying to keep special moments frozen in time. But time, and those people you spend it with, it feels like your favorite Popsicle on a summer's day. Something you value so much for the moment, and something you feel like you need, but it's already melting in front of your face never to retain the same shape it came in - in that pretty plastic cover. So I enjoy it quick, because it will be gone soon anyways. What if I'm not the one who sees friendships that way, but that's the way that they often are? Sometimes it seems that we use each other for the moment and for the purpose the relationship satisfies: we work together, so might as well be friends. We go to school together, so for now I'll be close to you while we are in the same classes. Does everyone feel the same dark loss when someone close moves on because that convenience no longer exists? Of course, there exists the relationship of an acquaintance which is really what this idea of friends of convenience makes the most sense, but that's not what we're talking about here. I'm talking about someone you declare a friend, which to me is defined as someone special to you. The group I found in my last years of college was unlike anything I was ever able to enjoy before. We were a mess, but a loving mess. In my mind, we were creating something that possibly had no end. There were daydreams and drunk talk of next vacations together, or our future children meeting each other in the summer when we would all rent a boat house together (or something like that - I did mention that they were drunk talks). I'm not really sure why or when the cracks started, but to me it felt very painful. It wasn't a pain I experienced all at once, either. One friend decided to move on and stop communicating with us all, soon others followed either out of conviction or of the convenience of moving somewhere new. It wasn't until some of these past friendships turned to hate that I felt the most forlorn and confused. Surely I was missing something. How could we be adults and yet not be stable in our relationships and know who our friends really are? The sad truth is now I see it all the time in the professional world as well. It's actually not something we gain as adults, the ability to treasure friends. I think that it's something that we lose. I admittedly live in a very optimistic world where everyone should just get over their problems and troubles because tomorrow is new day - why waste it! But the downside of this, is my childlike expectations are not rooted in reality and I see it more everyday. And to those who have engaged in a friendship with me at any point, I won't deny that if you and I were really friends beyond just that of the social media sort, I valued you dearly. My heart is torn by every loss and rebuilt by every kind phone call, visit or message from those who value our time together. From a nihilist perspective one could say - "why does it matter?" but to me the idea that we just have our lives for what they are and this one opportunity to spend time and bring happiness and endearment to each other makes these relationships even more wondrous.
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To myself: No promises that this won't cease to be a priority after two days.
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